The Parents Zone, Web Reprint, adapted

Generation means all human beings born and living around the same time; also
known as coevals. When there is a significant gap of time between two coevals,
it is defined as “generation gap.”

When we compare two generations and when there is a considerable difference in
the lifestyles, habits, likes, and dislikes of the people belonging to these two separate
times, problems due to age gap arise. It is no secret that this gap is widening rapidly.

More and more parents and their offspring agree that they just can’t understand
each other. This lack of understanding of social, moral, political, musical, or religious
opinions leads to lack of acceptance, which is one of the primary reasons why
families break.

Here are a few tips for parents to help bridge this ever-widening gap:

1. Communicate constantly. It is simply a fact that communication plays an
important role in bridging gaps between not only parents and children, but also
in every relationship that we can think of. When we communicate respectfully
with our children, we are letting them know that we are willing to do all it takes
to lessen the age gap and understand things from their point of view.

2. Be open minded. Open mindedness means widening our horizons. When we widen our horizons and we open the doors and windows of our heart, we look at things with a new perspective. This helps us understand why what is being said is actually said. This is very important if we want to understand our children’s priorities and habits.

3. Learn to accept. Trying to understand our children’s world is no mean task. It takes a lot of effort to understand the younger generation. We have to accept first that we lived in a different world. For us, that was an ideal world, with less corruption, hypocrisy, cheating, and every bad thing we see so much increased now. Then, we will have to accept today’s times too, especially the fact that not everything is that bad, and make the effort to understand and accept our children’s perspectives and priorities. That is a big step towards bridging the generation gap.

4. Listen and understand. We as parents sometimes tend to talk too idealistic. We will have to stop that, and we will have to learn to listen, and then to understand. Giving lectures is not at all a good idea.

5. Silence is golden sometimes. Yes, sometimes we have to learn to be silent too. We have to let our children voice their opinions and listen to what they are saying, without interrupting them.

In conclusion, the reality of a generation gap is only in terms of age. If we set our egos aside and look at things from an entirely different perspective, we can minimize the gap between our children and us. This does not mean we should not do what we need to do as parents. It just means we become a little more understanding and accepting of what our children see as “their world.”

Perseverance pays

Young people can drive you up the wall at times! But keep trying to reach them and relate to them. Try to get on their level and be one with them. If you can develop a link, a connection, then you can start getting through to them and making some real progress.

Frustration is the price you have to pay when you work with young people. That’s just the way it sometimes is; that’s just a fact of life.

Your knowledge and experience comes from years of ups and downs, successes and failures, and quite a few trying situations, whereas these teens are just starting out. Keeping that in mind will help you to have patience. Also, try not to compare this group with other teens you have worked with; some kids are slow at wanting to grow up, others are quicker. You can’t let yourself get overly frustrated about these things.

Let them break the mold

As young people grow up, they generally need more freedom to make their own choices without someone trying to fit them into a certain mold. Some people just don’t and won’t fit into the mold you try to put them into! You’ve got your mold, you’ve got your idea about how they should be or act, but you can’t expect even your children to be that way, to be just like you and totally conform to your ideals.

You may need to start changing your perspective. You may need to change the way you look at these young people, and start looking for things that you admire about them—for how well they do in spite of the pressures and difficulties they face.

Be willing to get your hands dirty

Don’t give up! Just get in there and don’t worry about getting your hands dirty. It is a bit like gardening—you can’t really be a gardener unless you are willing to get your hands dirty. Plants aren’t going to thrive or grow if all the gardener is willing to do is just watch them and water them. Sometimes plants need re-potting because their roots are getting too long and numerous for the pot they’re in, or the soil they are in needs to be changed because it has lost its nutrients or is getting moldy.

So it is with growing young people—they may need some personal attention from someone who isn’t afraid to get right in there and help them find solutions to their problems. Sometimes they get tangled up and just can’t help themselves, and they need the help of the gardener. Watch out for them like the gardener watches out for the warning signs—leaves turning yellow or getting spotted or drying up, soil getting moldy or plants drooping from insufficient water. There are shade plants, and there are sun plants; there are plants that need a lot of water, and there are others that hardly need any. There are plants that need much care and have to be misted daily. Then there are cacti that hardly need any care.

Your part is to just be a faithful, loving, caring gardener—to keep your eye on those plants and do what you can to help tend and care for them. The gardener learns what he can do, and does what he can to help the plants. And like any gardener, you can only give it your best, then you must leave the rest up to God.

Words are not the only way to communicate your love and win your teens’ trust. There are a lot of other ways. Try to catch their eyes. Use your eyes to show them your love. Don’t give them an accusatory or hurt look which probes for guilt or wrong—but give them loving, understanding, encouraging looks. Let them hear by the tone of your voice that you do love them and you do understand. Actually, it is not how much you communicate with them but that you do communicate with them. Try to touch base with them in some way each day—via a look, a touch, an encouraging word—then build on this. It will grow! Give them the help and support they need. At this age they are very insecure and feel like they are being tossed on a troubled sea. They are looking for the lighthouse. Be their beacon!

They can count on you

There will be times when you will have to lay down the line and be firm with your teens as you guide and correct them, but as they grow, you will have less of a direct influence over their lives. Your role will change from their parent to their friend—not an “anything goes” friend, but one who loves them enough to be honest with them—someone they can count on, someone who is more a helping hand than a judge—someone they can lean on, rather than someone they have to avoid or hide their life from or try to get around.

Help them know they can really count on you. You build their confidence in you by being faithful in all those little things that add up in their mind to the kind of person they believe you should be. If you’ve made a mistake and flown off the handle, if you have been too extreme with them, if you have scared them off or driven them into their own world, then go to them and apologize. Explain that you want to change and you want to be different.

If you are humble and you show that you know you have weaknesses and need help in many areas too, then even if your teens don’t show it, they will have seen you put your heart on the line and trust them with a sensitive part of your life, and this will encourage them. They do need your help, they want your help, but they want it on their terms—when they want it and how they want it. Of course, sometimes when they are in trouble and you see they are in trouble, you do need to intercede. Go to them directly and explain the situation as you see it.

Communication alternatives

If your teen doesn’t respond to your efforts to communicate, perhaps he (or she) just isn’t able to talk to you face to face, especially if you aren’t very good at controlling your anger or emotions, and therefore they’re afraid of how you might react. If this is the case, then encourage him to write you a note, or to record his thoughts on a tape recorder or dictaphone, and give you the tape to listen to. That way you can “hear” him out without him experiencing your initial reaction head-on. You have time to think things over, he has time to think things over, and you can have a discussion later in a calmer frame of mind, or answer him in a note if you like.

Guide rather than intrude

Young people are unsure of a great many things, and so sometimes they jealously protect the “garden” of their lives from intrusion. They are not sure which are the weeds and which are the good plants, but they are sure they do not want you stomping into their life and pulling out what you think are weeds. They want to make those decisions for themselves. They may like to have your guidance, but constant intrusion into their lives is not usually what they want.

Love despite silence

A parent should try not to be put off by silence. Keep putting your heart into talking and communicating with your teens. Give them a few signs of affection—a hug, a kiss, a touch or pat, an expression of warmth. Just let them know you are there, that you care, that it is okay, you are listening, you are watching out for them. All these help them feel more secure, even if they do not openly admit it or react as if they do. Sometimes they do not want to react or show too much weakness to you, because they know that will bring out the parent side in you and put them right back in the role of being children.

Cherish your moments together

Keep reminding yourself that your teens are growing up and may soon go their own way, so the moments you have together are precious and should be positive and memorable ones you can all look back on and cherish. Don’t fight over trivial matters. It is just not important. Even if you think it is important to have an argument about something—stop! First try to love them. Show them love, even in a storm. Love never fails! You may be very upset, but they are likely worried and confused too. 

Arguments fail! Expectations fail. Giving orders fails. But love never fails. Try to get past your anger. Try not to be too set in your ways and too predictable in your negative reactions. Only be predictable in your love for your teens. If they are secure in your love, this will be a good foundation upon which problems can be worked out. Stay open, approachable and give them opportunities to talk to you.

Step back! Let them breathe!

Surprise your teens by making changes—changes in your life and attitude and way of looking at things. Surprise them with all kinds of interesting differences. Young people want to be proud of their parents. They want to feel that their parents are cool, but even more than that, they are looking for something warm, supportive and understanding in you—someone who is there, right there praying for them, standing beside them—not like a blanket suffocating them, but like an umbrella protecting them.

If you are the type of parent that likes to take control, that grabs the pencil away from them to show them how you’d do it, then you must learn to let go of that desire for direct management of their lives. Step back! Let them breathe. They know what you believe. By now you have certainly told them enough times. Just turning up the volume now, yelling at them, or forcing them, or being harsh or critical or negative, or speaking as though you expect the worst, is the worst and will get the worst results. They may just tune you out and stop listening.

Their life is sacred. It does not belong to you; it belongs to them. And there comes a time when you have to move back and give the controls to them. Let them row their boat. Let them learn to drive the vehicle of their life. But be there to help, and encourage them as they learn. Don’t be too quick to grab the controls away from them. It’s too late for that. They’re growing and they’re going to be venturing out on their own whether you like it or not. It is hard to step out of the role of their boss, but you must. However, do not go to the opposite extreme and become so passive and detached they think you just don’t care. Step back and into the role of friend, supporter, cheerleader, avid fan, admirer, the one who believes in them, the one who loves them unconditionally even when they don’t reach their expectations—or yours.

Show positive expectations

It’s unfortunate, but young people often act out your negative expectations. It’s better to try to show positive expectations and hide your disappointment. Positive expectations move them toward the good and convict them when they do wrong, because they don’t want to disappoint you or cause you to lose faith in them. On the other hand, if they feel your negative suspicions, accusations or assumptions, they may tend to go that way. (Simply put, it is easier to be bad if someone expects you to be bad, but it is easier to be good if someone believes in you and expects you to be good.)

See mistakes as steppingstones

Everyone makes mistakes. Parents can’t expect saints from sinners like themselves. Let your teens know that you’re a sinner too, and you also have to learn from your mistakes. Young people make a lot of mistakes, and they feel bad about them, but don’t rub it in. Try to help them be glad for the chance to learn such valuable lessons early in life. Look for the good that can be drawn from each situation, and help them look for the good. If you look for the good in everything, including them, they will see a lot of good in you.

Let them row their boat while you cheer them on

Try to help and encourage your teens in those areas that are strengths in their lives, but don’t push too hard. You might want them to have a certain education or special training; you might want them to have what you missed. But there comes a time to put aside your ideas and look at what your teen wants and is able to do. Pushing can be perceived as overriding her will and her rights. Your idea may be the best for her, it may be her area of talent, but she likes to feel it is her choice what talent she wants to develop, a part of her inner joy and development.

It is hard to change your teens without changing yourself. There may seem to be no way to break through to them. They know you too well as their parent and have their guard up to protect themselves from your “parenting.” But when you come to them as a friend, they will not be as closed. If you approach them as someone who loves them and cares for them, as someone who sees them as a person, that is what they want. That respect, recognition, support and understanding means a lot to them. Those are the building blocks that make them more secure in their march to manhood or womanhood.

Q: I feel that something is wrong, but my teen won’t tell me what is the matter. I wish I could believe that he is being honest with me. What can I do to encourage him to come to me and tell me his problems? How do I help him know I love him no matter what, and that he can be honest with me?

Grow together if you don’t want to grow apart

To be gradually closed off and then locked out of someone’s inner life, a child or friend with whom you once enjoyed closeness and communication, can be very painful to endure. Many parents experience this as their children grow and change. There comes a gradual dividing of the ways, a parting. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be a painful parting. Parents and their children can learn to grow together, rather than apart. This takes a great deal of communicating and understanding, plus give and take by the parents and their teens.

On their part, parents must continually upgrade their thinking, reevaluate their relationship and try to perceive the new emerging person that their child is becoming. Their child is changing, developing, growing before their eyes. Keeping up with the growth and change in a young person can be very challenging. It is not just a matter of physical changes and hormonal changes, but there are many other deep emotional, mental, social and spiritual changes taking place as well. To keep in step with a teen, parents must constantly be reassessing their relationship and looking for new insight and new ways to relate to him or her, and develop a new set of expectations. To keep up with a changing young person, you have to adapt and change right along with him or her.

Adjust your role as they grow

Your relationship with your teen can’t remain a parent-child relationship; it has to change to a parent-friend or a friend-to-friend relationship. You must let go of your parent role somewhat if you want to get through to and communicate with your teen. Your young person must feel that you understand him or her as a person.

In the eyes of your teens, individuality and independence come to them through breaking out of the parent-child relationships they had with you. They feel they need to break out of this mold in order to grow and become independent, thinking people. Parents who want to keep the parent-child relationships as they are, who want their children to remain subject to them and their ways, will find it increasingly difficult to communicate with their growing, changing “children.”

Upgrade your approach and programs

The key to keeping up communications is to keep up to date with what is happening in the lives of your children. Be aware of their activities. Pop into their world to see how and what they are doing. Do things with them that they like to do. Be considerate of them. Keep reevaluating and deepening your relationship with them. Keep monitoring yourself as to what you are doing with them and how often you spend time with them. How are you treating them? How are you talking to them?

Effective parenting is like a computer program which must be upgraded often to effectively meet changing and more challenging needs. Young people provide these challenges, which always put the “latest versions” to the test! So the parents who want to communicate best with their children must take the time to keep up with their needs. You can’t just remain as you are, where you are. You have to keep upgrading to keep up with them. That’s a lot of work, and it requires an investment on your part. Keep in tune, keep on top of your teens’ situation, and be familiar with what goes on in their lives. If you just don’t know, then stop and take the time to find out.

Build a common understanding

Sometimes teens’ lack of communication is because something is wrong or because they’re not being honest with you. Often it is not having a lot in common anymore that keeps young people from communicating with their parents. If they think there is little in common, then they think you won’t understand them.

There are many ways to build a common understanding. For example, show an interest in the age group your child belongs to. Asking your child to help you understand his or her age group can help lay the groundwork for deeper and more personal communication. Ask sincere questions and let your child explain why things are as they are, why his or her age group feels, acts, or dresses in a certain manner, or whatever. If your teens see your motives for asking as coming from a true desire to understand them, they will feel honored that you recognize them as unique individuals, and that you believe they can help you understand. Often in explaining something to you they come to understand it better themselves.

Avoid expressing very strong opinions at these times of building communications. If you feel you must give your opinion, then try to state it as dis-passionately as possible, leaving lots of indications that the door is still open for further discussion. Avoid passing judgment or laying down laws during these times. Just focus on trying to understand your teen and communicate.

View your teen as a “person”

Seeing you reaching out, trying to understand, and even asking them for help, makes your teens feel more mature, and that they have a special place of importance in your life. They feel good when they see that you view each of them as a “person” and respect each one as someone with insight and understanding, someone who can be called upon for help and counsel. They see you do not think of them as just your children, but more than that—as friends. Showing a young person respect is very important in laying a foundation for communication. When your teens feel you respect them, they feel they can trust you with the more difficult or personal matters or situations they face.

Earn their confidence by being confidential

Young people gauge how you will likely react to them by how you react to others in a similar situation or with a similar problem. How they see you react tells them if it is safe or not to approach you about something. It tells them what they can do, or at least what they can’t let you find out that they are doing.

Young people like to know that what they tell you is said in confidence—that you will not blab it around, or talk about it with others—especially those they do not want told or those they don’t have the same confidence or trust in. If they entrust a bit of personal information about their life with you, they expect you to guard it and keep it in confidence. It is very important to respect their trust in you and not carelessly repeat things they have told you in confidence to others who do not need to know or be involved. It may seem like a small matter to you, but they will not see it that way.

When to hold back on getting actively involved

When young people do share a difficulty they are going through, parents sometimes want to rush in and take control and help solve it for them. But that is usually not what they want you to do. If you are going to take action on ”their business,” you need to counsel with them first. Tell them what you are thinking and ask their opinion and consent before doing it.

Young people often have very definite opinions about what form your involvement and “help” takes, and want it kept within certain boundaries. In most cases, all they are looking for is someone who will listen to them, someone safe to bounce their problems off of: a sounding board. Your role is to be supportive, someone they can talk to and who can help them gauge their course of action. They don’t necessarily want you to become as actively involved as you did when they were children.

Your young people may be hesitant to share serious matters with you because they are afraid that you will charge in with the cavalry, and it will be hard for them to stop you, or that they won’t have any control over their situation once they let you know about it. They don’t want you to charge in and embarrass them, or crowd them out of what they feel is their life and their business.

Be a nonthreatening force for good in their lives

You can still freely express the things you are concerned about. It’s just your timing and presentation that’s important. Sometimes you do need to ask your teens straight out about something you are concerned about, but you should not appear to be suspicious or accusatory. There is a time for asking, “Are you taking drugs?” And there is a time to be less direct and say, “Drugs are out there, and I know you are going to be offered them. Drugs take over and wreck a lot of kids’ lives before they see what’s happening. I hope you will say no, but if something serious does happen, let me know, let me help.”

No one likes to be alone when he or she is in trouble, especially a teen. Teens do not want to lose everything they have gained in growing up by getting too much help from their parents. You, as parents, have to be gentle when you try to help them. Seeing how respectful you are of them builds trust and respect for you. They will then see their parents as a nonthreatening force for good in their lives—stable, helpful, dependable friends.

By Theresa Leclerc

When I was a teenager, I thought I knew it all. I was full of insecurities, but I was also full of opinions—strong ones! Looking back, I feel sorry for my parents. I’m sure I wasn’t an easy child to raise, especially as a teen. I didn’t like the fact that I had stricter parents than some of my friends did, and I pulled away from my mom and dad, as many teens do. I was sure my parents didn’t understand me, and I was right—they didn’t! None of their other kids were anything like me. I questioned everything and had trouble keeping rules. However, although I was tough on the outside, all I really wanted deep down was to find someone who truly understood me.

One day I found myself at a gathering where I was the only teenager. While the adults talked in small groups, I sat off in a corner by myself, watching, until a woman named Joy came over and struck up a conversation. Eventually, I opened up and told her about all my troubles. I half expected her to lecture me, but instead she just listened. I could tell that she genuinely cared about getting to know me, and never once did I feel she was putting me in my place or trying to change my opinion; she simply tried to understand me.

That conversation was the beginning of a friendship that continued through thick and thin for seven years, until Joy passed away. We would take long walks together and would sometimes write notes to each other about things that were harder to say in person. Even after she moved to a distant city, we kept in touch by phone and mail. For much of those seven years, Joy was so sick that she could have died at any time, but I never heard her complain. She was always bubbly and had a passion for people.

Joy taught me something important—that it was okay to be myself. And in the process, she also taught me to try to understand people in a deep way, to look beyond their appearance and sometimes even what they say, to accept them for who they are and show them unconditional love. Though we all seem so different, we’re all made from the same stuff, and we all need love, understanding, and acceptance. When someone sees our need and fills it, we blossom.

The goal of parenting is to help our children become responsible adults. To achieve this goal, parents help children learn about life and living in today’s society.

The time parents spend with their children is important. Children need to be loved unconditionally. Doris Curran, a parent educator, says the cry of children today is, “Love me for who I am, not what I do. Love me for being, caring, sharing, and erring, not winning, placing, and showing.”  That does not mean that we have to approve of everything a child does. What it does mean is that even though the child misbehaves, we still love and accept the child and provide support.

Talk with children

Spend time talking with children. Talk about any topic of interest to both of you. Talk about the day’s events and the child’s feelings about them. Through observation and interaction with parents, children learn how to communicate. Children learn to express their needs. They learn to listen. They learn to understand nonverbal clues.

Life’s lessons

Children learn about families from the time they spend in their own families. They learn about birth and caring for another person when a new baby comes home from the hospital. They learn about loss when a family member dies. They learn about marriage and relationships by watching their mothers and fathers interact. By living in a family, children learn to share, how to stand up for their own rights, and how to love another person.

Building self-esteem

Parents help children develop positive self-esteem by communicating the value they feel for them. Words of encouragement and love help provide children with the courage to try new things without worrying excessively about not being able to succeed.

Growing up with trust

Children learn about trust at home from their parents. They learn trust from being trusted. When parents trust children to accomplish a task on their own, they learn that they can do the task.

Give guidance

Parents help children learn to be more responsible when they help them learn to control their own behavior. A disciplined person has the ability to decide what appropriate behavior is and to act accordingly. Parents use discipline to help guide their children as they become responsible adults. Take the time to make discipline a learning experience. Appropriate discipline should include four parts. Children need to understand:

1) What behavior is not acceptable

2) Why it is not acceptable

3) What behavior is appropriate

4) Why it is appropriate

By helping children understand why something they did was unacceptable, they can learn what acceptable behavior is. There is no one right way to train children. A variety of discipline techniques exist. What is important is a warm and loving relationship between parents and children. 

Good communication helps children to develop confidence, feelings of self worth, and good relationships with others. It makes life with them more pleasant, and helps them grow into adults who respect themselves and others.

1. Communicate acceptance: Accepting the child just as he is makes it easy to communicate with him. The child who feels accepted will be more likely to share his feelings and his problems.

2. Use door openers: Door openers are invitations to say more, to share ideas and feelings. They tell the child that you are really listening and interested, that his ideas are important, and that you accept him and respect what he is saying.

3. Use “you-messages” to reflect the child’s ideas and feelings: “You-messages” describe the child’s feelings and encourage him to express his troublesome feelings. When children are allowed to express bad feelings freely, they seem to disappear like magic.

4. Use more do’s than don’ts: Tell the child what to do rather than what not to do.

The Don’ts: “Don’t drag your coat on the ground.
The Do’s: Hold your coat so it doesn’t drag.

5. Listen attentively: Get rid of distractions and listen to what the child is saying.

6. Use “I-messages” to communicate your thoughts and feelings: Often children don’t know how their behavior affects others. “I-Messages” are effective when the child misbehaves.

7. Make requests simple: Because young people have a hard time remembering several instructions at once.

8. Say “please”, “thank you”, and “you’re welcome” to children: Children deserve the common courtesies which adults use with each other. And children learn by imitating the speech and behavior of adults. Let them learn good things from you.

9. Communicate at eye level: When talking with very young children, it may be necessary to stoop down to their level or to sit at a table with them. Adults often fail to realize the effect their size has on small children.

10. Don’t interrupt children: Let them finish what they started out to say.

11. Don’t use unkind words which tear the child down: Unkind words have unkind results and they cut off communication. Avoid unkind words that are ridiculing (“You’re acting like a big baby”), shaming (“I’m ashamed of you”), or name-calling (“You’re a bad boy”)

12. Use kind words to encourage and build up the child: Kind words bring happy results! They give the child more self-confidence and help him to do better.

What is unconditional love? It's just what the phrase implies—loving a person without any prior conditions, because of who the person is and not because of what the person does.--Zig Ziglar

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Exceptional children are just that—exceptions. The vast majority of our children are not dazzlingly brilliant, extremely witty, highly coordinated, tremendously talented, or universally popular! They are just plain kids with oversized needs to be loved and accepted as they are.--James Dobson

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Comparing yourself or your child from an analytical or critical point of view and wishing your child was this or that can steal your happiness, your inspiration, and your peace of mind and contentment, not to mention the effect it will have on your child.

Children remember things very clearly and are directly affected by their parents’ attitude and how their parents feel and think about them. So if you’re constantly speaking faith and positive things about your child, either to him or to others, and if you’re thinking positive things about your child, this will have a good, faith-building, positive effect on your child, and he’ll likely become more like what you think of him and expect from him. But if you are thinking or speaking negatively about your child, either directly or indirectly, it can make him think negatively about himself and hinder his happiness and self-esteem, his performance, and the way he sees himself. Faith begets more faith; positive attitudes foster more positive attitudes in both yourself and those around you. It often takes showing faith in someone to bring out the best in them.--Jesus, speaking in prophecy

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The spirit of approval means that you love your child even when he resists you or is in an ugly mood. He must know that his personal worth is not based on beauty, brains, or behavior, but on the simple fact that he is a person created by God.--Dan Benson4

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To build a relationship of love and respect, you must remember that your children respond to you according to the way they feel about you. If those feelings are ones of love and respect, you will receive obedient, loving responses from the children because that is what they want to do. … There's no real unity without respect.--Zig Ziglar

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Children thrive on praise. It's more important to praise a child for his good works and his good behavior than it is to scold him for his bad behavior. Always accentuate the positive.--David Brandt Berg

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Ways to show love and respect to children

* Don't dismiss your child's feelings. Respond with love.

* Don't command your child and expect him to come to attention without so much as an explanation. Approach him respectfully and lovingly when you need to ask a favor—trying to be sensitive and coming across with a considerate and sweet spirit.

* Make eye contact with your child, and go down to your child's level when talking to her; for example, when you're telling her something or passing on instruction.

* Take a little bit more of your time to slow down and really tune in to your child. Treat your child's ideas as important. Don't quickly shoot them down. If the idea is unreasonable, even though your child might not understand all the whys and wherefores, try to explain as much as you can.

* Don't make fun of a child when he’s made a mistake or done something more on the silly side. This can really hurt his feelings. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't teach your child to learn to laugh things off when things go wrong, but pray for discernment, because sometimes your child may just need a moment of understanding.

* When your child needs correction, help her not to feel embarrassed by correcting her as privately as the situation warrants.

* Find a way to connect with each of your children individually.

* Show your children that they're important to you by how you treat them. Give your children the same level of attention that you expect them to give you.

* When your child comes to tell you something, stop and listen. Give her your full attention and respond to what she is saying. Don't listen halfway, while thinking about something else and continuing to do what you're doing.

* Stop and acknowledge your child.--Maria Fontaine

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Encourage your children’s unique qualities and characteristics:


Know each child well as an individual. You can't help a child build confidence around his inherent gifts and talents unless you come to know what those gifts and talents are. Two ways to learn: (1) In private chats with the child, time spent together watching and appreciating; and (2) in organized time, spent as husband and wife, discussing each child, sharing perceptions, taking notes, discovering together more about the personality and individual character of each child.

Genuinely respect each child and his own gifts. Our children are human beings, deserving not only our love but our respect. With this thought in mind, sometimes it becomes a bit easier to (1) show an added measure of faith in them after any kind of failure; (2) discuss our own failures with them and tell them what we learned; (3) praise their accomplishments lavishly and honestly, particularly accomplishments in areas where we perceive special aptitude; and (4) never criticize or tear down the children personally. Make sure they still know our total love for them. Never criticize in public—praise in public, correct in private.

[Teach] independence, self-reliance, responsibility at an early age.Confidence and its joy tie directly into being able to do useful things. Each child should have a job in the family, for the family—particularly daily or weekly jobs—for which he is praised and made to feel very able and very important, very much a part of the family.

Help the children to see what their own unique gifts are—and that these gifts are as good as anyone else's.--Linda and Richard Eyre

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Your children depend on you to be an example of My love to them in a way that they can understand, grasp‚ comprehend, and feel. If you don't show them My love, how will they know that I love them? You are a manifestation of My love for them. Children are fragile in their emotions, even those who don't seem to show it as much, and I want to show them that I love them, that I care for them, and that I want to be close to them and do special things for them. Your love manifested in time spent with them is one of the biggest ways that a child feels My love through you. And just as I love you so dearly, so do I love them—more than you can imagine.--Jesus, speaking in prophecy

Instead of starting a sentence with that provocative word “no,” start a sentence with a word that gives you a chance to be heard—”yes.” Then follow up your yes by making your point in a positive way.

• Rather than explain why your son can’t have a cookie, tell him when he can.
• Rather than explain why your daughter can’t use the computer on her own, tell her when you’ll be available to use it together with her.

Your child will be much more attentive and much less likely to escalate your passing comment into a defensive battle when you approach her with a yes instead of a no.

(Evonne Weinhaus and Karen Friedman. Stop Struggling with Your Child. Harper Collins Publishers. 1998)

The yes method doesn’t mean you’re wishy-washy, and it doesn’t mean you always allow your child to get her way. Everyone wins with the yes method. If the yes method sounds like something you need to cultivate, then start practicing the “yes-but” reply.

“Yes, you may play outdoors, but you must wear a heavy jacket and only stay out 45 minutes.”

“Yes, you can read books during naptime, but first you need to finish your lunch.”

“Yes, you may watch the video, but first you need to help me with the dishes.”

…Parents say no to their children’s requests much more often than they say yes. Without thinking and for no good reason, the no just tumbles out!

So for the creative parent, here’s a good rule to follow: If you don’t want your children pouting and nagging you into changing your mind, only say no when you are absolutely sure that you mean no and won’t under any circumstances change your mind.

(Dr. Kay Kuzma. A Hug and a Kiss—And a Kick in the Pants!)

By Kathryn Westcott, BBC News Magazine 


The self-consciousness of a pre-teen is something many parents are only too aware of and the dreaded question of "Am I too fat?" can leave many lost for words. Even a carefully phrased response can provoke prolonged silences or slammed doors.

Fears that focusing attention on a child's size might make them overly self-conscious, cause them to obsess about their appearance, or even lead to an eating disorder may cause parents to shy away from the topic.

There is no single strategy, but there are "common sense" ways to deal with such a touchy issue.

First, you have to talk about it

Some parents think that the less said the better but there is no barrier to talking about things with your child, says Andrew Hill, professor of medical psychology at the University of Leeds's institute of health sciences.

"It's not easy," he says, "but if questions are raised, don't duck them. Be engaged. The key thing is the 'why'. I would want to know why this behaviour is suddenly occurring. Is it something the child has seen on TV, or has someone said something at school - maybe something subtle but hurtful. These concerns are often symptoms of other events - sort these out and the other behaviour will likely moderate itself."

A child's weight concerns, he says, often fluctuate and can be temporary.

Girls of a particular age - coming up to puberty - do compare themselves with others in the class, he says. The most rapid change for a girl's body is growth associated with puberty and there could be massive differences within a single class.

Girls, on average, double the amount of body fat as they go through puberty. Boys' body composition changes, but in a different way: they tend to put on more muscle, he says.

"When girls compare themselves, they are at different points of their physical development. Talking to them is a positive and reassuring way to deal with it. Let them know that in a few years' time, those physical differences would have reduced. The key is not to make them self-judgemental."

Don't be alarmed

A parent should not overreact if a child asks them whether they are fat, says Paul Gately, professor of exercise and obesity at Leeds Metropolitan University. "There are parents who are absolutely gobsmacked. It's the dreaded question that's come when they are not prepared. But their reaction might cause a child to think "what have I unleashed?" says Gately.

Many parents, he says, will "stick their heads in the sand" or tell a child there isn't a problem. But, he says, if there is a problem, the child will get teased in school and end up mistrusting the parent.

"The teasing and bullying of overweight children is endemic in our schools," he says.

"If a child has mentioned it, the issue is not going to go away. Parents need to have an open-ended, conversations in which the children do the talking. The child needs to understand it from their perspective," he says.

Be prepared

With child obesity on the rise, parents who have concerns that their child might be overweight could prepare in advance for the conversation that will inevitably come, says Gately, who runs weight management services in partnerships with local authorities. "Parents will benefit because they won't be in a responsive situation," he says.

Parents should modify their environment in advance to make it more healthy, so when the question comes up, they can say that the whole family has been living a healthier lifestyle, and this needs to be built on. Emphasise the entire family's eating and exercise habits and commit to change - but not dramatic ones, says Gately.

Bringing up the weight issue

Is it wrong to broach the issue if a child doesn't bring it up first? The difficulty, says Hill, is if a parent sees it as an issue and wants to raise it. "Judge it - if they don't want to talk about it, don't run the risk of it becoming a contentious issue. If concerns persist, talk to a teacher or [doctor]."

Keep it casual

A parent who feels the need to broach the subject could gently ask a child if they would feel more comfortable if they were in a healthier weight range, says psychologist and writer Amanda Hills. "If they say yes, then offer to help them by cooking more healthy food - but encourage their input as this puts them in control."

The key is to guide and not try to control your child's eating habits, she says.

"Many eating disorders involve the feeling of not being in control," says Hills. "Keep the issue of food casual. Treat it as if it's fuel for a car - don't say that some food is good or some is bad. If a parent does feel the need to point out that something is not the best choice, do it in a low-key way - don't obsess about it."

The key is not letting food become a battleground.

Deflect the issue

"We are hearing of younger and younger children being conscious of their body image," says Mary George of charity Beat. "It's another bit of childhood that is disappearing."

If a youngster brings it up, don't avoid it try but try to deflect it, says George. "Offer praise and encouragement in other areas - tell them they are kind, helpful, happy and generous - steer it away from body image."

Don't make jokes

Parents often don't realise that making a joke about a child's weight can affect them for life, says Hills. "A father, for example, should never call a daughter 'chubby'. A husband shouldn't say negative things about their wife's weight, and vice versa."

Parents must be careful not to be critical of their own weight or that of others, says George. "Even really young children - four- or five-year-olds - will take this on board."

Mum's not on a diet

Research shows that a child is affected by their mother's self-image and the way she treats food, says psychologist and writer Amanda Hills. In the US, this has been referred to as "thinheritance".

"It is absolutely crucial that mum should never say she is on a diet," says Andrew Hill, a body image and behavioural specialist. "All of the people I have dealt with for eating disorders had a mother - or a father - who demonstrated obsessive behaviour around food."

If a mother feels like cutting down, do it in a low-key way, he suggests. "Say something like, 'Mummy's not going to have a big potato because she's finished growing.' But mum should never serve herself a separate meal."

But Andrew Hill says depending on the situation, there might not be a problem with a parent being seen to be managing their weight. "If a parent is going to Weight Watchers, for example, why hide it - it usually means they are overweight and they are trying to manage it."

The key is not to obsess about it, he says.

Active learning

If a child is concerned about their weight, parents need to create a situation in which children are "active learners", says Andrew Hill, in which they learn from their own mistakes. They need to build self-confidence and self-competence, and parents need to give them the opportunity to go out with their friends and exercise - rather than focusing on their weight, he says.

Set the nutritional agenda

Children consume about 60 to 70% of their food energy at home, so parents set the nutritional agenda, says Hill.

"Older children have more and more liberty and financial power - the key is to get them through adolescence so that they are confident and can make choices about how they prioritise, because later on they will make choices based on their own perception."