By Misty Kay My husband Daniel and I live with our four children on the 13th floor of an apartment building in Taichung City, Taiwan. Needless to say, the elevator is a part of our daily lives. It had been just another normal, busy day, with most of my time and energy spent keeping the kids happy, fed, and out of one another’s hair. We had all been out together, doing what I don’t even remember, and were coming home. We stepped into the empty elevator, and one of the kids pressed the button. The number 13 lit up on the panel, and the doors closed. “Children, your mother and I have an important announcement,” Daniel said in a way that commanded everyone’s attention. I had no idea what this was about. Daniel is a spontaneous man, full of surprises, and I never know what to expect from him. In a quick impulse I decided to play along. I moved next to him and put my arm in his to add authority to whatever he was going to say. “Your mother and I want you to know that after fourteen years of marriage, we are still totally and emphatically in love.” Then he turned and kissed me like a bride. Wow! I hadn’t seen that coming. The kids laughed a little and asked, “Why is that an important announcement?” Daniel replied that with so many marriage problems in the world and divorce so common, children need to know that their parents love each other. Then he looked our son in the eye and said, “When you get married someday, you need to treat your wife right.” A loud ding announced the thirteenth floor, and the elevator doors opened. When we walked into our apartment, the kids’ chatter was punctuated by little giggles, and Daniel and I slipped into our room to enjoy a private moment together. In 36 seconds between the first and thirteenth floors, Daniel had brought our family closer, put smiles on our faces, taught our son a life lesson, and put warmth in my heart that filled my whole being. Courtesy of Activated Magazine. Used with permission.
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Good communication with almost anyone--your husband or wife, boss, coworkers, children, parents, or friends--depends on a few basic principles of people handling. Learn these, and you will be well on the way to happy, productive relationships. Honesty. Good communication is built on mutual respect, and respect depends on honesty. Tact. It's important to be honest, but it's also important to be loving and considerate in your presentation, especially when the subject could be sensitive. Wisdom. Wisdom is what helps you be tactful. Love. When children feel loved or cared for, it puts everything else in proper perspective. You may not do or say everything right, but if your kids see that you are motivated by love, little problems or misunderstandings won't become big ones. Positiveness. Being upbeat usually elicits a positive response. Encouragement and sincere compliments are always appreciated. Timing. Knowing when to say something is often as important as knowing what to say. "A wise man's heart discerns both time and judgment" (Ecclesiastes 8:5). Sensitivity. It's not good to be so sensitive to your own needs that your feelings are easily hurt, but it is good to be sensitive to your children’s likes and dislikes, needs, and moods. Open-Mindedness. People's opinions and the way they approach problems are as different as the people themselves. Turning off your thoughts and being quiet long enough to let your children express their feelings conveys respect and fosters positive, fruitful exchanges. Your children will be much more at ease with you and more likely to turn to you for advice if they know you will be open to what they have to say, even if you don't agree. Empathy. Put yourself in the your child’s position and try to understand the feelings that are behind what he or she is saying. Patience. It's sometimes hard to listen to what children have to say without interrupting, trying to hurry them along, or finishing their sentences for them, but it's a way of showing love and respect, which pay off. A Sense of Humor. A little laughter can be just the thing to keep potentially difficult exchanges from getting too intense. Lighten up! Approachability. The dictionary defines approachability as "invitingly friendly; easy to talk to." Clarity. There would be a lot fewer misunderstandings between people if they didn't beat around the bush or rely so much on hints. Don't leave your kids guessing; say what you mean. If you're not sure they understand your point, ask them. Effort. Sometimes communicating is plain hard work--but the rewards are worth it! Consistency. Parents and children who communicate regularly understand each other better and are more likely to be able to work through problems when they come up. Original article courtesy of Activated magazine. Used with permission. By Michael G. Conner, Psy.D, The Family News Children not only learn from what they do, but they also learn from what they see their parents doing. Realizing this can be important because many parents express their conflicts and disagreements in front of their children. Consider the following before you disagree, argue, or start a conflict in front of your children. The emotional bonds formed between parents and children cause children to notice and adopt the values, attitudes, and behavior of their parents. Children trust, imitate, and try to pay attention to the people they bond with. But unlike adults, children tend to absorb the perspective of both parents directly. They do so with little hesitation and without experience. When parents express their conflicts, the psychological impact on children can produce uncertainty, emotional instability, erratic thinking, and hyperactivity. While many children are not affected by mild disagreements, some children are more sensitive and prone to act on the basis of confused feelings. How do children cope with conflicted parental views of what is right or wrong? The answer is, “They don’t do it very well.” The impact of disagreements and conflicts will vary as children get older. But what many parents don’t realize is that children will begin to ignore their parents’ wishes, values, and attitudes when their parents argue and express their conflicts in their presence. Children tend to think, “If my parents can’t agree, then I guess I’m free to believe and do whatever I want.” Both parents lose credibility when they argue in front of children. Imitation of parental behavior is the most frustrating consequence of parent conflicts and disagreements. Children not only imitate their parents’ behavior, but they tend to engage in competitive escalation. They try to outdo their parents. In this way, children learn to express themselves with a similar tone, volume, pitch, and rate. This explains why so many children end up acting like the very parent they have conflicts with. [One main] cause of conflicts and disagreements is the failure of parents to discuss their approach to parenting before the need arises. Very few parents discuss how to handle problems until they are facing a problem. A proactive approach to parenting is far more effective than a reactive response to problems. — Don’t discuss parenting issues in front of your child until both parents have talked about them and resolve the issues in private. Avoid expressing your disapproval of the other parent’s position or comments in front of a child. — Settle on a parenting approach that you will both support. It does not help if you agree on an approach in order to avoid an argument and then don’t support each other later. — Decide what you expect from your children before they raise issues that would result in a parental disagreement or conflict. By William and Martha Heineman Pieper, Ph.D., Web reprint All parents occasionally become angry with each other in the presence of their young children, but if you manage to maintain a reasonably pleasant atmosphere until you are alone, you will spare your child from dealing with relationship complexities for which he is developmentally unprepared. However, if, in spite of your best intentions, a quarrel breaks out in front of your son, stop the hostilities as soon as you can and reassure your son by saying, “We’re sorry we upset you—we know it’s hard for you when we argue. Mommy and Daddy love each other even when we fight, and we both love you all the time!” There is a popular but mistaken notion that “real life” unpleasantness will strengthen the character of the young. In reality, their developmental immaturity prevents young children from defending themselves against the emotional pain they feel when things go wrong. So parental arguments and other painful events leave young children more—rather than less—vulnerable to stress. On the other hand, if you do shield your son from distressing experiences in general, and especially from the pain of witnessing you and your spouse fighting, over time he will learn to develop an abiding optimism about his world and his ability to have the harmony and love that he wants and needs. As he grows older, this positive outlook will give him the strength and resilience to respond effectively to the challenges of everyday life. So the next time you feel angry in your child’s presence, try to remember that what feels like an everyday blowup to you feels like a nuclear explosion to him, and do your best to contain your anger until you are alone. It will be easier if you realize that in this way you nourish your son’s emotional well-being as surely as you care for his physical health by keeping him out of the street and away from the stove. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” * From the very beginning, strive to promote an atmosphere of honest, open communication with your children. Encourage each child to feel free to honestly share what is on his heart with you. Of course, it’s very important to avoid reacting in a critical, condemning or condescending way to a child who is pouring out his heart, confessing a mistake or sharing a fear etc.—if your child meets such a negative reaction from you, he will probably have second thoughts before sharing his heart with you next time. “Special times” of open-hearted discussions, combined with lots of loving embraces, greatly assures young children of our love and genuine concern, as we strive to intently listen to and understand them! Your child will never forget such special times spent with you. In most cases, these are the moments that we treasured most when we were children: when our parents invested their love in the form of personal time and attention with us, just talking about things together. Of course, before we can expect our children to be honest with us, we must be honest with them. It greatly encourages children to know that their parents are not exactly perfect. (Besides, you can be sure they’ve noticed!) By your own honest admission of your mistakes and weaknesses, you are setting a good example for them of what honesty and humility are all about, and your children will love you the more for it! As in any kind of honest communication, it can’t be emphasized enough how important it is to be a good listener to the one who is talking. A good, listening parent is not busy reading the newspaper or making a cup of tea while his or her child is pouring out his heart about the loss of a best friend, or communicating his innermost worries and fears. As parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is our sincere interest in them and their problems, as manifested by our undivided attention and uninterrupted listening whenever possible. By the act of simply listening, you are telling your child: “I want to understand and help you. I think you are worth listening to, and i want you to know that I have faith in you. You can always talk to me because I love you.” * Ask questions. (Kids shouldn’t be the only inquisitive party!) When genuinely communicating with children—or with anyone for that matter—asking questions helps to draw them out and shows your concern and interest in them. Get them to talk. When they are asking you the questions, be careful not to philosophize or pretend to be something you’re not. Just stay simple! And don’t offer any advice that you wouldn’t want to practically apply yourself. * Learn to present your advice or answers in ways that are easy for them to accept. Make it “easy for them to be good” by allowing them to think that it’s at least partly their idea too. For example, “I liked your comment on needing to change things a bit. Let’s try your idea!”, or “what do you think about trying this idea?”, or, “haven’t you found that this works better?” * When something goes wrong, it’s important not to be too quick to judge a matter. There are always at least two sides to every story, and it helps greatly to hear all sides from all those who are involved. Most of us have made the grave mistake of making a snap judgment or acting impulsively, resulting in a child being unjustly accused and deeply hurt. A mother could hear a crash in the room, and run in to find her young daughter in tears beside a shattered vase on the floor. To immediately whack the child with no explanation adds insult to injury, when by merely asking what happened first, the child could explain that she was attempting to stop the cat from climbing on the table, trying to shoo it away, when the cat knocked the vase over, not she! We should forgive our children and be as fair and merciful with them as possible. But by continually passing quick harsh judgment on them, our children could easily lose such trust and confidence in us.—and could wind up being afraid to confide in you and confess things that they really are guilty of or need help with! Excerpted from the writings of D.B. Berg. © The Family International. Used with permission. |
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