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Linda and Richard Eyre, Teaching Children Joy Adults often bristle when someone remarks that they are “just like so-and-so.” We like to think of ourselves as unique, different, and one-of-a-kind, which is how it is meant to be. It is good to remember that there is much more to what makes a person a unique individual than, for example, the obvious characteristics of a person’s astrological sign, their interests, the number of children they have, or the type of clothes that they wear. In a similar fashion, parents should learn to appreciate the uniqueness that each child brings to their lives. Each child needs to feel special and important in his or her own right. Seeing each child as an individual with varying likes and dislikes, will help to make the child feel loved for who he is and is meant to be. Here are some tips on how we can encourage our children’s unique qualities and characteristics:
Ponder: Take time to reflect on each of your children’s qualities and strengths. Make a list of these qualities and focus on encouraging and praising your children for them. Text courtesy of Motivated magazine. Used with permission. Photo by Patrick via Flickr.
 What is unconditional love? It's just what the phrase implies—loving a person without any prior conditions, because of who the person is and not because of what the person does.--Zig Ziglar * Exceptional children are just that—exceptions. The vast majority of our children are not dazzlingly brilliant, extremely witty, highly coordinated, tremendously talented, or universally popular! They are just plain kids with oversized needs to be loved and accepted as they are.--James Dobson * Comparing yourself or your child from an analytical or critical point of view and wishing your child was this or that can steal your happiness, your inspiration, and your peace of mind and contentment, not to mention the effect it will have on your child. Children remember things very clearly and are directly affected by their parents’ attitude and how their parents feel and think about them. So if you’re constantly speaking faith and positive things about your child, either to him or to others, and if you’re thinking positive things about your child, this will have a good, faith-building, positive effect on your child, and he’ll likely become more like what you think of him and expect from him. But if you are thinking or speaking negatively about your child, either directly or indirectly, it can make him think negatively about himself and hinder his happiness and self-esteem, his performance, and the way he sees himself. Faith begets more faith; positive attitudes foster more positive attitudes in both yourself and those around you. It often takes showing faith in someone to bring out the best in them.--Jesus, speaking in prophecy * The spirit of approval means that you love your child even when he resists you or is in an ugly mood. He must know that his personal worth is not based on beauty, brains, or behavior, but on the simple fact that he is a person created by God.--Dan Benson4 * To build a relationship of love and respect, you must remember that your children respond to you according to the way they feel about you. If those feelings are ones of love and respect, you will receive obedient, loving responses from the children because that is what they want to do. … There's no real unity without respect.--Zig Ziglar * Children thrive on praise. It's more important to praise a child for his good works and his good behavior than it is to scold him for his bad behavior. Always accentuate the positive.--David Brandt Berg * Ways to show love and respect to children * Don't dismiss your child's feelings. Respond with love. * Don't command your child and expect him to come to attention without so much as an explanation. Approach him respectfully and lovingly when you need to ask a favor—trying to be sensitive and coming across with a considerate and sweet spirit. * Make eye contact with your child, and go down to your child's level when talking to her; for example, when you're telling her something or passing on instruction. * Take a little bit more of your time to slow down and really tune in to your child. Treat your child's ideas as important. Don't quickly shoot them down. If the idea is unreasonable, even though your child might not understand all the whys and wherefores, try to explain as much as you can. * Don't make fun of a child when he’s made a mistake or done something more on the silly side. This can really hurt his feelings. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't teach your child to learn to laugh things off when things go wrong, but pray for discernment, because sometimes your child may just need a moment of understanding. * When your child needs correction, help her not to feel embarrassed by correcting her as privately as the situation warrants. * Find a way to connect with each of your children individually. * Show your children that they're important to you by how you treat them. Give your children the same level of attention that you expect them to give you. * When your child comes to tell you something, stop and listen. Give her your full attention and respond to what she is saying. Don't listen halfway, while thinking about something else and continuing to do what you're doing. * Stop and acknowledge your child.--Maria Fontaine * Encourage your children’s unique qualities and characteristics: Know each child well as an individual. You can't help a child build confidence around his inherent gifts and talents unless you come to know what those gifts and talents are. Two ways to learn: (1) In private chats with the child, time spent together watching and appreciating; and (2) in organized time, spent as husband and wife, discussing each child, sharing perceptions, taking notes, discovering together more about the personality and individual character of each child. Genuinely respect each child and his own gifts. Our children are human beings, deserving not only our love but our respect. With this thought in mind, sometimes it becomes a bit easier to (1) show an added measure of faith in them after any kind of failure; (2) discuss our own failures with them and tell them what we learned; (3) praise their accomplishments lavishly and honestly, particularly accomplishments in areas where we perceive special aptitude; and (4) never criticize or tear down the children personally. Make sure they still know our total love for them. Never criticize in public—praise in public, correct in private. [Teach] independence, self-reliance, responsibility at an early age.Confidence and its joy tie directly into being able to do useful things. Each child should have a job in the family, for the family—particularly daily or weekly jobs—for which he is praised and made to feel very able and very important, very much a part of the family. Help the children to see what their own unique gifts are—and that these gifts are as good as anyone else's.--Linda and Richard Eyre * Your children depend on you to be an example of My love to them in a way that they can understand, grasp‚ comprehend, and feel. If you don't show them My love, how will they know that I love them? You are a manifestation of My love for them. Children are fragile in their emotions, even those who don't seem to show it as much, and I want to show them that I love them, that I care for them, and that I want to be close to them and do special things for them. Your love manifested in time spent with them is one of the biggest ways that a child feels My love through you. And just as I love you so dearly, so do I love them—more than you can imagine.--Jesus, speaking in prophecy Courtesy of http://anchor.tfionline.com/post/love-builds-children/. Photo by Stenly Lam / Flickr
Dressing my three preschool sons alike seemed sensible at the time. It made clothes shopping easier, for one, and because they were brothers with similar builds and complexions, they looked good in the same clothes. At home it gave a sense of order, however superficial, to a household with three little boys in perpetual motion, and in public it showcased what I was sure was the most adorable set of kids ever. On a deeper level, it appealed to my sense of equity. I didn’t love one above the others, and had determined to never say or do anything that might cause them to think otherwise; I would treat them impartially in all things, big and small. But as soon as they got old enough to make more of their own choices, coordinated clothes were out. As their individual needs changed and became more diverse, I found I continually needed to adapt and change how I gave each one my love and support. I still didn’t love one more or less than the others, but I couldn’t always treat them the same. Now that those boys are grown men, in many respects they could hardly be more different from one another. My early attempts to establish uniformity now seem pure folly, and I thank God for giving each of them the sense to pursue his own interests, develop his own skills, and become his own person. Each probably has some things that he would like to change about himself—there’s always room for improvement—but I love them dearly just as they are. - Keith Phillips ***** Children remember things very clearly and are directly affected by their parents’ attitude and how their parents feel and think about them. So if you’re constantly speaking faith and positive things about your child, either to him or to others, and if you’re thinking positive things about your child, this will have a good, faith-building, positive effect on your child, and he’ll become more like what you think of him and expect from him. But if you are thinking or speaking negatively about your child, either directly or indirectly to him, it will have the effect of making him think negatively about himself and hinder his happiness and self-esteem, his performance, and the way he sees himself. Faith begets more faith; positive attitudes foster more positive attitudes in both yourself and those around you. It takes faith in someone to bring out the best in them. Your child is different from any other child in the world, just as you’re different from any other person in the world. You’re a unique parent, a unique person, and your child is unique. If your child doesn’t have a certain gift that you wish he had, it does not mean that he is inferior, or that he lacks quality or is missing something in his makeup or his mental functions or his ability to have a beautiful life and to be a beautiful person—and most important of all, to make a big difference and touch the life of others. It doesn’t mean that you’re failing as a parent and somehow not helping your child become whatever you think he should be. You’re not failing and your child is not failing. All children have some areas in which they shine. Courtesy of Activated Magazine and Anchor (www.anchor.tfionline.com). Used with permission.
Children are little people.—And if we’d just stop thinking about them as “children” and think about them as people, we’d get a lot further in understanding them and their problems! So why don’t we just start thinking about them as we do about ourselves?
People are complex. Children are people too and their problems are also complex. Their feelings are much the same as adults’, and the experiences they go through are very similar to things we go through, only harder for them to understand.—Children are much more vulnerable than adults, and many things they have to go through which though small to us, may seem monumental or even traumatic to them at the time because they don’t have the experience to understand them, and they haven’t been assured like we have that everything will work out in the end! So you have to treat them even more carefully, tenderly and with more consideration than adults. Try to put yourself in the child’s place. Put yourself in as close a situation as you can think of to your child’s situation and think about how you would feel—then you can get a better understanding of him and his problem.
Text © The Family International. Photo courtesy of publicdomainpictures.net
 Good communication with almost anyone--your husband or wife, boss, coworkers, children, parents, or friends--depends on a few basic principles of people handling. Learn these, and you will be well on the way to happy, productive relationships. Honesty. Good communication is built on mutual respect, and respect depends on honesty. Tact. It's important to be honest, but it's also important to be loving and considerate in your presentation, especially when the subject could be sensitive. Wisdom. Wisdom is what helps you be tactful. Love. When children feel loved or cared for, it puts everything else in proper perspective. You may not do or say everything right, but if your kids see that you are motivated by love, little problems or misunderstandings won't become big ones. Positiveness. Being upbeat usually elicits a positive response. Encouragement and sincere compliments are always appreciated. Timing. Knowing when to say something is often as important as knowing what to say. "A wise man's heart discerns both time and judgment" (Ecclesiastes 8:5). Sensitivity. It's not good to be so sensitive to your own needs that your feelings are easily hurt, but it is good to be sensitive to your children’s likes and dislikes, needs, and moods. Open-Mindedness. People's opinions and the way they approach problems are as different as the people themselves. Turning off your thoughts and being quiet long enough to let your children express their feelings conveys respect and fosters positive, fruitful exchanges. Your children will be much more at ease with you and more likely to turn to you for advice if they know you will be open to what they have to say, even if you don't agree. Empathy. Put yourself in the your child’s position and try to understand the feelings that are behind what he or she is saying. Patience. It's sometimes hard to listen to what children have to say without interrupting, trying to hurry them along, or finishing their sentences for them, but it's a way of showing love and respect, which pay off. A Sense of Humor. A little laughter can be just the thing to keep potentially difficult exchanges from getting too intense. Lighten up! Approachability. The dictionary defines approachability as "invitingly friendly; easy to talk to." Clarity. There would be a lot fewer misunderstandings between people if they didn't beat around the bush or rely so much on hints. Don't leave your kids guessing; say what you mean. If you're not sure they understand your point, ask them. Effort. Sometimes communicating is plain hard work--but the rewards are worth it! Consistency. Parents and children who communicate regularly understand each other better and are more likely to be able to work through problems when they come up. Original article courtesy of Activated magazine. Used with permission.  Love has creative power, and in the home love does its magic by engendering unselfish acts and helping each family member see the others in a positive light. Everyone wants to be understood, accepted, and loved for who he or she is, and the home is a God-created environment where these things can thrive.
There are also things that work against love in the home—enemies of love, if you will. Disagreements between children and parents and sibling rivalries are a couple of the obvious ones, but there are other problems that are more subtle and therefore even more dangerous—selfishness, laziness, indifference, criticalness, nagging, taking each other for granted, and thinking and talking negatively about one another, to name a few. These usually begin with small, seemingly innocent incidents—finding excuses to not help out, squabbles over petty issues, little putdowns and sarcastic remarks—but unless you recognize these as attacks on your family’s love and unity, they will develop into bad habits that will take a terrible toll on your family. It’s not enough to simply save the moment by sending the feuding parties to their separate corners, silencing the sarcastic, or pressing the shirker into service. That’s dealing with the symptoms, not the root problem, which is a lack of love. The only thing that will cure a lack of love is love itself, so ask God to bring more love into your home. Then cultivate that love through loving thoughts, words, and actions. *** Children remember things very clearly and are directly affected by their parents’ attitude and how their parents feel and think about them. So if you’re constantly speaking faith and positive things about your child, either to him or to others, and if you’re thinking positive things about your child, this will have a good, faith-building, positive effect on your child, and he’ll become more like what you think of him and expect from him. But if you are thinking or speaking negatively about your child, either directly or indirectly to him, it will have the effect of making him think negatively about himself and hinder his happiness and self-esteem, his performance, and the way he sees himself. Faith begets more faith; positive attitudes foster more positive attitudes in both yourself and those around you. It takes faith in someone to bring out the best in them. © Aurora/The Family International. Used with permission. The primary factor in raising children is love. If parents can just learn to treat their children with love and consideration, the children will feel loved and secure. Most parents can't be with their children all the time, but it's difficult for small children to understand that. Children think they should be the most important things in the world to their parents, so when the parents can't show them constant attention because of other obligations, it hurts the children--and of course, the more children you have, the less individual time and attention you can give each one. That's why it's so important for parents to tune in to their children and give them love and attention when they do have the opportunity. Give each one lots of love and encouragement, because words have the power to build them up and help them feel loved. "Look what a big boy you are! We're so proud of you. You've learned so much!" Say things that will let them know they really are special to you. Small children, especially, don't yet have a concept of time, so if you give one child something and tell the others that theirs will come next time, "next time" will probably seem a long way away and very nebulous. So in most cases when you give one something, you should try to do a little something special for the others too. You can't and shouldn't treat all of your children the same all the time. Each needs to know they are special in their own way. And when one needs something that the others don't, they have to be taught that it's according to need, not because one is more loved. If you take one out to get a needed pair of shoes, for example, and you bring the others back a little toy or something that may cost only a few cents, this shows that you love them and remembered them too. A lot of adults don't realize how important it is to explain things to children. You can't just assume that they understand. How can they understand hardly anything unless you explain it to them? Most adults don't take things without some kind of explanation, and children have as much right to an explanation as anybody. If you think there could be any question in their minds or hurt feelings, explain. Even if they can't understand everything you say, just the fact that you try to explain it conveys to them that you're concerned about their feelings, and that will help. It's nearly always a problem when somebody else comes along, like a new baby, who they think is going to take their place. Children's feelings are just the same as adults', only difficult situations can be even more traumatic for children when they haven't experienced those things before and therefore don't have the assurance that things usually work out in the end. That's why children are so much more vulnerable than adults, because of their very limited experience. So you have to treat children even more carefully and tenderly and considerately than adults. It breaks my heart when I see parents in public places cuff their child on the head or lash out over something that the poor child probably didn't understand in the first place. It's tragic! Children are more sensitive and more easily hurt than adults. They instinctively love and trust their parents, and to destroy that is really sad! A little love goes a long way! Children are bound to have problems, but no matter what the problem stems from, love can correct it. "Love covers over all wrongs" (Proverbs 10:12 NIV). Just a little love and concern can make up for a lot of mistakes and failures, no matter who or what is to blame. Love is the answer! Excerpted from Activated Magazine. Used with permission.
If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility He learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule He learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame He learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance He learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement He learns confidence. If a child lives with praise He learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness He learns justice. If a child lives with approval He learns to like himself. If a child lives with acceptance & friendship He learns to find love in the world. - Dorothy Law Nolte A partially deaf boy came home from school one day carrying a note from officials at the school. The note suggested that the parents take the boy out of school, claiming that he was "too stupid to learn."
The boy's mother read the note and said, "My son Tom isn't 'too stupid to learn.' I'll teach him myself." And so she did. When Tom died many years later, the people of the United States of America paid tribute to him by turning off the nation's lights for one full minute. You see, this Tom had invented the light bulb--and not only that, but also motion pictures and the record player. In all, Thomas Edison had more than one thousand patents to his credit. --God's Little Devotional Book for Moms * * * "My mother was the making of me. She was so true and so sure of me, I felt that I had someone to live for--someone I must not disappoint. The memory of my mother will always be a blessing to me." --Thomas A. Edison (1847-1931) * * * When he was a teenager, Jim worked for a grocer in Hamilton, Missouri. He liked the work and had plans to make a career of it. One night he came home and proudly told his family about his sly employer. The grocer had a practice of mixing low quality coffee with the expensive brand and thus increasing his profit. Jim laughed as he told the story at the supper table. His father didn't see anything funny about the practice. "Tell me," he said, "if the grocer found someone palming off an inferior article on him for the price of the best, do you think he would think they were just being sly, and laugh about it?" Jim could see his father was disappointed in him. "I guess not," he replied. "I guess I just didn't think about it that way." Jim's father instructed him to go to the grocer the next day and collect whatever money was due him and tell the grocer he wouldn't be working for him any longer. Jobs were not plentiful in Hamilton, but Jim's father would rather his son be unemployed than associated with a crooked businessman. J.C. Penny came that close to becoming a grocer. Instead he founded the retail chain that still bears his name. He shares the secret of his success in the title of his autobiography: Fifty Years with the Golden Rule. * * * One father confessed that he hadn't realized how dishonest he'd been with his son until he learned a hard lesson. His son received a very low grade in English. In spite of scoldings and extra study, it seemed the boy simply could not bring up his grade. One day he said to his father, "I guess when you went to school you got all A's in English." "What makes you say that?" the father asked. "Well, if you didn't do well," said the son, "you wouldn't scold me the way you do." The way he had corrected his son was a misrepresentation of the truth. "No, the fact is that I had a really hard time with English," the father replied. "Especially spelling." From that moment on the boy did better, freed from the impression that he was inferior and a failure. Seeing that his dad had the same problems, but succeeded, gave him hope. --Anonymous Originally published in Activated Magazine. Used with permission. |
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