Chores without Wars

Parents magazine

Imagine this: Every morning, your child makes his bed and puts away his pajamas. Before dinner, he sets the table and feeds the dog. And on Sun­days, he helps wash the car.

Although having your child willingly help out around the house may seem like wishful thinking, five and six-year­-olds can—and should—do regular chores. Assuming more responsibili­ty at home is as crucial for children as learning to read, being physically active, and making friends.

“Children this age are better able to concen­trate on a specific activity than they were at 3 or 4,” says Virginia Stowe, director of New York City’s Parenting Resource Center, Inc. They’re more adept with their hands and less likely to be discouraged by small setbacks, such as a tangled vacuum-cleaner cord. In addition, they have a sin­cere desire to please you and are proud of their accomplishments, such as dusting a tabletop or pour­ing milk without spilling it.

“In nineteen years of teaching, I can’t remember a child who didn’t wave his hand to be picked as snack helper or door holder,” says Marjorie R. Nelsen, author of A Child’s Book of Responsibilities. “Helping around the house makes kids feel in­dependent, competent, and impor­tant within their family,” says Stowe.

What’s more, being accustomed to doing chores at home can benefit your child academically. He’ll understand that sometimes he has to do things he doesn’t want to do-and that will extend to doing homework or studying for tests. “Research has found that kids who don’t try as hard as they could in school are more likely to have been raised in families where they didn’t have to do much at home,” says Stowe. “They believe that someone will al­ways step in and do things for them.”

If you approach chores with a spirit of fun rather than drudgery and don’t expect perfection, your child should be willing to participate.

• Give your child a choice. Make a list of all the ways he can help out. Then let him pick three daily chores and one weekly chore. Play up the fact that chores are for big kids. Saying, “You’re in charge of the cat food” can make a responsibility seem more like a privilege.
• Work together. While researching her book Pick Up Your Socks … and Other Skills Growing Children Need, Elizabeth Crary surveyed hundreds of families and found that five and six-year-olds were able to handle a wide variety of household jobs but almost always needed help doing them. If you demand that your child go solo from Day 1, she’s likely to get frustrated and want to give up. Start by showing her exactly how a particular task is done, and then ask her to do it with you. Make sure that she’s safely able to open and close the boxes her toys are stored in, for in­stance, or that she knows where to put the dishes when she carries them into the kitchen.

The Kimberly family, of Beverly Hills, Michigan, devotes every Saturday morning to housework. The two older kids can do their chores on their own, but six-year-old Hannah prefers to clean the bathroom mir­rors while her mother does the sinks. “She needs that motivation and part­nership,” says her mother, Elizabeth. “But she can now make her bed and set the table by herself.”

• Praise appropriately. Thank your child and compliment him by describing what he has ac­complished (“You folded the napkins so carefully”). If you have some constructive criticism, it’s best to save it for the next time he’s about to tackle the task: “You did a terrific job arranging the silverware yester­day. Remember, though, that the fork goes on the left side.”
• Don’t pay for participation. If your child gets an allowance, don’t link it to completing chores, says psychologist and parent educator Susan Turben, Ph.D., of Lake County, Ohio. “Regular jobs around the house should be considered part of being in the family.” If you do want to treat your child to show your appreciation, choose rewards other than cash, such as going bowling or out for ice cream. However, the most effective way of motivating your child is to remind her that if she helps out, you’ll have more free time together.
• Be flexible when you can. Every time Betsy Jordan, of West Nyack, New York, asks her six-year-old daughter, Mallory, to help her with the laundry or clean up her room, she responds, “I’m busy.” When this hap­pens, you should empathize with your child and say, “I know you don’t feel like it, but the job has to be done,” suggests Carr. “Howev­er, there’s usually a window of time during which your children can complete a task,” says Dr. Doherty, “and it’s counterpro­ductive to give the message, “Stop having fun now and help me this minute!” If you give your child some control over when to empty the dishwasher, for example-or at least a five-minute warning before he has to do it-you’ll be less likely to get into a power struggle.

If your child absolutely refuses to cooperate, administer consequences related to the chore. For example, if she doesn’t put her clothes in the hamper, tell her they won’t get washed until the next cycle.

Try not to get frustrated, though, if your child often forgets to do his chores. “Until the age of eight or nine, most kids have to be reminded,” says Dr. Turben. She recommends posting a chart with pictures of what your child has to do on the refrigerator or his bedroom door. But even with a chart, children still forget-and it’s not nec­essarily a sign of defiance. It’s also not a reason to give up and decide to do a chore yourself, even though it might be easier. Be patient: Eventu­ally, your child will grow to be more independent, and the time invested now will pay off later.